I feel like after being knocked off the tracks for the past month or so I’m finally getting back on track! And I’m REALLY EXCITED!
I’m sure most people can relate, but each time I felt I was getting beat down either with something about my health, or school, or feeling like I was being left out of life either a celebration of some sort, or an event etc (but feeling the guilt of it being my fault) I subconsciously was slipping back into the “why me?” attitude and feeling bad for myself and wishing that this or that would happen because that change my life and would make everything better. The more I let myself sink into that world the less I felt there was anything I could do about it. I allowed myself to feel powerless. I felt lost and confused on why nothing was going right. Why was I coughing up blood? Why was my chest hurting more? Why wasn’t anyone responding or helping with my projects? Why would anyone even want to help me with these projects? These ideas are stupid, dumb, not good enough etc. And eventually that became the thoughts of “I’m not good enough…I’m not worth it…I’m can’t do this.”
WRONG! I know that is wrong wrong wrong! Just over a month ago I completely changed my life! I cleaned up, cleaned out, and organized my life. I was planning every day, making lists of things that I could do that were helping me get closer to dreams and goals, and most importantly ACHIEVING SOME OF THOSE GOALS!!! I had already been successful. I just stopped the process. I got knocked off the track and thought I was out of the race, finished, no longer able.
I had spent the last week sinking deeper into my excuses. I was abusing my pain medication again and giving up hope of living any other life than pumping myself with opiates and watching T.V. Neither of which felt “good” anymore. I didn’t know what had happened. What happened to get me so far off track from where I was less than a couple months ago?
I checked out of the real world. And I needed to check back in. The real world is a where you are the one who makes your dreams happen. The real world is where pain isn’t a reason to stop emailing people, stop calling people to set up appointments, stop researching, planning, and preparing. The real world is where we all have our free agency to either act or be acted upon. Be the CAUSE or just react. I was reminded that I made the choice a few months ago that I wanted to be a CAUSE of good in this world. I was reminded of what I have already done in spite of adversity.
I was already getting ready for bed so I was nervous that this feeling of empowerment would dissipate by morning, so I set my alarm…and yes, it took a few snoozes BUT I got out of bed and WENT ON A FREAKIN’ WALK! hahahaha I know that’s not changing the world BUT it started me back on track of being in the REAL WORLD! I choose to go on a walk. Did my chest still hurt, yes. But if I could get back on track by going on a walk, then maybe I can stay on track by making a healthy breakfast. So, when I got back I made myself a healthy breakfast. Then I thought ok, what can I do to stay on track? I can reach out on Facebook to find help with my Film project for school. So I did that. And I just keep asking myself what can I do to stay on track AND THEN DO IT! The only thing stopping me is me. The only one that can get me to do something is me. And those are my choices. I choose to do something. Only when I choose to do something can something good happen. Whether I sit here or not bad things are going to happen, but I’m no longer going to sit around waiting and wishing for something good to magically happen to me. We have been blessed with this life, our mind’s, and our ability to ACT! So, let’s start making some choices!
Here’s to choosing to live life!