It has taken a couple weeks but I have three short videos mixed into one in hopes that that makes up for the time that has elapsed.
You can watch the video(s)! HERE!
The past couple of weeks have been hard on me yet again because I am really trying hard to focus on all of the new tools that I’ve made for myself including eating healthy stretching every morning and being more assertive and taking charge of my life which includes in a way being less of a yes man to friends and family and doctors and basically anytime I have said yes before and not actually meant it I am now saying “NO” which is a swear word to me :/ (meaning I just am afraid to say it) growing up I was always trying to fix things and putting what I actually wanted or needed on the back burner and because of that now I am 31 and I am just now learning how to take charge of my life. But it’s been hard to see people pull away from me and I feel it might just be because it’s a new thing for them to hear me say no to them or maybe it’s just they really think I’m a “” different person now which I guess in both scenarios that’s true I am saying no to them now when I haven’t and I guess that makes me different person. I just need to remind myself that this is The only way that I will be able to get the things that I need for my health and I can’t keep waiting and waiting and waiting for someone else to suddenly put his side themselves to take care of me and it’s just hard to have a hope and expectation for parents and people you love that they would after you’ve been there for them to be there for you in the way you need and to just be disappointed again and again. And even doctors lately and I guess in the past other than a couple wonderful oncologists that I have had are just dropping the ball when it comes to putting in orders that they say they will put in or getting tests set up but they say they are setting up and it always feels like I and up doing half of their job because they don’t even put in the order in the first place so I half to call find out the order didn’t go and call their office back get someone there to contact the doctor or the assistant to get them to put in the order that they didn’t put it in then I have to wait for them to call me back once they put in the order and then back and take a couple days or a weekend then call the other office back to actually schedule the test or for the procedure that is now at least a week late from what it could have been and it’s just frustrating!
And then I have these moments of having opportunities pop up as Miracles to be able to meet with friends that I haven’t been able to see for a while and these are friends that I have the most open honest and relaxing and emotional conversations with were I just feel edified and uplifted and they know literally everything about me and it just feels like a blessing each time we get to talk and it always after talking with them reminds me of how much I have done and how much I need to focus on the string that I have and let go of all of the expectations that I put not only on myself but on other people and that so much of my sadness and depression and anxiety would go away if I just stopped worrying about what everybody else was doing and instead focus on all the things that I am strong enough smart enough and capable. And I know that I might not be able to clean my entire room in an afternoon as well as build an entire shed but I do know that while I sit and watch YouTube videos at least I can organize my clothes and be OK with that! And it’s just looking at or in my journey of achieving the big goals that I have and I feel often times I just forget how important the small things really are in getting us to the big things in life!
So I just want to put that out there to anyone watching that in the times when you feel let down by people or even let down by yourself take the risk in the leap of faith to just forget and let go of all of those expectations and instead focus on working on the little thing that you can do right now whether it be anything you can do all sitting in pain on your bed or whether you can only do something small be proud of that small thing you were able to do because that is one small step closer to your goal then before and that’s a lot that most people don’t do so be proud of yourself!